Valentine’s Day Openers

Just got this email from Magnus at the Bristol lair. People always seem to be looking for new openers, here are some timely ones. – Bobby

VALENTINES DAY OPENERS by Magnus
Here is a bunch of field-tested openers you can only use on
Valentines Day!

“HEY… DID YOU GET MY CARD??

You can deliver this with a big jokey smile, or with
over-the-top conspiritorial seriousness. Sidle up to her
and whisper with a wink, or shout across the crowded bar to
her.

She’ll normally laugh and say yes – “what about the
chocolates?” – she’ll agree – “and flowers, did you like
them?”

Optional: “You liked them? That’s cool, not all girls like
Triffids”

If she says no, say “Are you sure? It was in a 4-foot high
pink envelope, I left it outside your front door.”

“HEY… WHERE’S MY CARD??”

“I didn’t get a card from you today yet? and I want
chocolates!… and flowers! I like it when girls buy me
flowers. All the other girls here bought me flowers.”

Again, you can deliver this with a big wide smile or
pretend to be angry.

I have yet to see a girl come up with a good answer to
this. If she comes across as a bitchy all “why would I get
you a card?” then she’s not worth your time anyway. Most
girls just laugh and giggle at which point you push things
a bit further as above, and then change threads. “So
anyway, I need a female opinion…” using a canned opener
or something improvised about Valentines Day.

“HEY, THANKS FOR THE CARD!… *WINK*”

There are two usual reactions to this, she may laugh and
say “that’s ok”, in which case you plough on:

Give a little wink… “and those chocolates were great,
it’s good you weren’t worried I’d think you were desperate.
It was kind of you to promise to buy dinner in the note
you sent with the flowers, too.”

If she says “what? I didn’t send you a card!” then you can
agree – “ah no… of course you didn’t… and you didn’t
send me those chocolates either… and those flowers
probably just started growing on my doorstep *wink*”. Most
girls are in fits of giggles by this point.

After any of the above, you can ask how many cards she
really got. You’d be surprised at how many hot girls don’t
get any, or say they don’t.

I tell them that one year I didn’t send any, but I got
three. Then the year before that I sent SIX but didn’t get
any back. Then one year I only got one, so I went up to
all the girls I knew saying “Thanks for the card” until one
of them owned up. Of course it was the one girl I really
wasn’t at all interested in.

Magnus