Sex and the Suburbs: Don’t be fake on the web

Remember the old adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again…”?  Well, sorry to say that it becomes increasingly painful when you are referring to subjecting yourself to the trials and tribulations of dating.  Last time I was telling you of some fun times on a familiar website I will refer to as mismatch.com!  As I go through various emails of a host of males that have no business emailing me I start to wonder, “Do people even read this shit?”  Stupid question right?

I realize there are some important sneaky moves to this online phenomenon.  If you are privy to these things then we are on the same page.  If not, well step up your game and pay attention because regardless of what people might tell you or write down, it is a game!  If you think that it stops when you get married, think again- this advice comes from my mother so don’t argue because she means business and she tells it like it is!  Here are just a few aspects to think about…

Height: DON’T LIE!!  What the hell is with guys lying about their height?  I have met multiple men that have done this.  I don’t get it at all  I am only 5 feet so if you are telling me you are 5 ft. 10 in. and we are eye-to-eye in my 2″ heels, well then you are not 5 ft. 10 …sorry!  Trust me, I haven’t grown since I was in high school.

Physique: I am no longer sure what the term athletic’ entails because I have seen some grotesquely large and/or very sedentary people that seem to rock that phrase – on the female end too (many times I see girls pull the slim/slender type phrase when their asses are anything but that).  I put athletic on my profile and here is what it means and entails for me…

I work-out between 5 and 8 times a week and not some girlie aerobic work-out either.  I get up at the crack of dawn to run and in my spare time I do kickboxing,  so don’t tell me you work out if you used to do it back in the day, have a job that requires minimal physical labor or have a damn membership in your wallet – Ya dig?  I am not saying you have to be an Adonis to say you are athletic, but if you have big arms and even bigger beer belly – well then, I’d say that’s false advertising now isn’t it?

Photos: This is a critical piece here…  Why?  Really, if you have to ask, we are in some serious trouble, but here it goes.  LOOKS ARE IMPORTANT!  I can’t stress that enough.  Now I am not going to sit here and say I am some beauty queen, object of perfection however, I assure you I am easy on the eyes and can hold my own.  On the occasions when we search profiles, the pictures are what either lures us in or sends us running.  That being said, you want to post some quality shots.

In the same instance, you don’t want to post ones that don’t resemble that person that is going to walk through the door on the date.  Those pictures should be somewhat similar where you at least resemble the same human from picture to picture.  Having different looks is great and all but which one are you today?  I have seen some profiles where the hair length, style and colors are so different you are concerned you may be meeting Sybil’s relative!  After seeing someone’s pictures on a website, you had better be identifiable in person.  If not, huge problem!  And what’s up with the shirtless photos?  C’mon now, that is kind of creepy… especially when you are taking them of yourself.  An abundance of self-shots is also a no-no!  Get your mom to take a picture if you have to – Geez!

Ultimately, it probably takes less than 30 seconds to check a person out and decide if they are doable or not.  When it comes down to it, great pictures don’t mean jack if you are not that guy in person.  The clock starts the moment you physically meet and it will end real quickly if that’s the case.

Interests: On that same note, don’t put down things you think will impress a woman if they are not things you are into.  Unlike many of my male friends (not all- but the majority) who seem to just look at pictures, many of us females actually read what you write.  It is ok to put down camping even though you haven’t had the chance to go in the last few years if you legitimately like to do it, just make it real is all.

I dated this guy off mismatch for a little bit who had checked off wine tasting as an interest. Well, this one night we decide to go to dinner at a BYOB place and I suggest a bottle of wine.  Coincidentally, this is when he tells me he doesn’t like wine.  Alas this one told a lot of tall tales…  I will most definitely be referencing him in future posts  I will call him Un-Hairy Mary.  Why you ask?  Well, first off I am a big fan of shaving (as a female) but I would have never thought I could meet a guy who could out-shave me – waaaay beyond metro sexual here!  I mean men are supposed to have hair in certain places… well at least a little, right?  Do I really need to go more in detail here, ugh!  Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of grooming…HUGE!  On the other hand, don’t try to look prettier than me!The Mary reference is also because he was one of those unholy/holy rollers who didn’t practice a very wholesome style of living but claims to be all religious – Sorry, but preaching sinners really irk me!

Now for a story on a guy who fibbed on his profile…

I went on a date off of this popular free site not too long ago.  The guy wrote that he was 5 ft. 10″, a nonsmoker and athletic.  For our first (and only) encounter he wanted to meet with a friend… kind of a double blind date I guess  Totally weird, but ok. He suggests we meet at this one bar in the area.  I share with him that I had been on a date there once before with a dude that I thought was kind of a regular…We still agree to meet there – Great plan!

All I can tell you is that I can remember walking up to the door and seeing these two drunken idiots coming out of the bar – lighting up cigarettes no less! I said to my girl, “Please tell me these are not the guys!” and I hear, “Jill?” The dude was nowhere near that height and had a potbelly stomach.  Not what I had expected.  Now I was already running late and a little bit cranky so this did not help.  To make matters worse, I was the designated driver for the evening.  Being that I am so petite, I can’t really drink much at all without getting lit so had the luxury of enduring the date while being stone-cold sober.  It’s quite a story, stay tuned for details…